The Little Engine that Could

Last night wasn’t one of my better evenings. I got off of work, I still can’t believe I’m heading into an office three days a week, around 6:30, was back downtown a bit after 7PM, and then I began my search for this Grade B Maple Syrup. It has these trace vitamins that the Grade A lacks, and although me and “The Object of my Affection” (as referred to in my horoscope last Saturday) were in agreement that Grade A or B doesn’t matter, apparently after a few days of this cleanse it actually does. So anyway, now that I’ve written the longest sentence anyone ever has about the grade of maple syrup, I found it at this great health food store, Urban Roots, on Avenue A between 3rd and 4th Streets, not that this will mean anything to anyone outside of New York, but I have to give props to the first in four health food stores that actually carried this stuff. Whew, that was another long run on!

So, by the time I got home to make my dinner, dinner being the same thing as breakfast and lunch, I had a headache the size of my whole head. It was actually beginning to feel like my head could split in two. I tried to do work. I even finished my second draft of a piece for the first book I actually hope to be published in. I wanted to start working on the script for the first movie I hope to be shooting, but by then, I couldn’t see straight. And that’s when the nauseous kicked in. It’s not fun to be alone, with a huge headache, ready to throw up two days worth of maple syrup, lemon, water and cayenne pepper. There wasn’t much I could do. I masturbated, which was actually the only thing that made me feel better, but once that was over, I was back to focusing on the fact that my head was hurting, and that I couldn’t take medicine, and I still wanted to puke.

I got into bed. It was a little past 9PM, which is really early for a girl who knows that “early to bed, early to rise” is the way her body functions. I was asleep by 9:45. I woke up for a couple of pee breaks, and I checked the clock at 4:04AM, but I did manage to stay in bed until my alarm went off at 7:30 this morning. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that my headache was gone, and the vomitis feeling had subsided.

Well, it subsided until I tried to drink what TMWHDTMCB *see yesterday’s blog to understand what that means - told me to drink in the morning to clean out my ass. Which, by the way, I never like to talk about what comes out of my ass, but today, today I must make an exception. Anyway, he told me to drink a 20oz glass of water mixed with 2 tablespoons of non-iodized kosher salt and to give myself at least an hour before I did anything else. I had no idea what to expect.

Let’s just say as I was sitting on the bus heading uptown to the office I couldn’t help but think “if these people on the bus only knew what came out of my ass this morning…” My new favorite term is anal discharge. I won’t go into more detail, but cleansing can be really cleansing, and surprisingly exciting! You will have no idea what to expect, unless of course you’re willing to try this concoction yourself. After drinking a cup full of salt I again felt nauseous. But by 10AM this morning I was feeling fine and dandy.

I feel like maybe I’ve gotten over some hump. Feeling as shitty as I did last night, I’m surprised by how much energy I actually have today. It’s quite refreshing really. To not have to eat to be able to function. I don’t think I’ve lost a damn pound though, and this, this I cannot understand.

Still..two and a half more days on this fast. I think I can..I think I can…