Guilt is the lowest form of energy you can emit..this I’m learning from a friend and from my past actions. Like my actions last night..which involved drinking way too much on an (almost) empty stomach. Why is it that when the alcohol is free, I feel the need to overindulge in its pleasures?

I can be so annoying, and that’s how I feel today. The boy I really like must agree, I mean I called him, practically slurring, at 11:15 last night, asking why he wouldn’t come over? Does it get more annoying than a whiny Jew Girl asking for some lovin’ at 11:15 on a Tuesday when he’s already given me more time than he normally would the two days before?

I don’t know. I don’t know anything right now except that I’m in the fast forward part of some really strange transition and even though I’ve buckled my seat belt and I’m trying to enjoy the ride, I’m sitting at the back of the roller coaster, and that’s where you get thrown out of your seat more often than at the front. Did you ever notice that? How much scarier the back of the coaster can be?

I didn’t realize how drunk I was until I woke up at 4:06AM with half of my clothes on, lieing on top of the bed, in a well lit apartment. I think one of the cats (I’m catsitting this week) woke me up. That’s when I got up and regretted my night. And regretted the call. And started to hate myself even more. If you feel disgusted by your own self, won’t everybody else be disgusted with you too?

I need to find my self confidence. I lost it someplace in New York and last night dignity and self respect went out to find it. So in a sense, they weren’t with me as I drank myself into a stupor.

Today is another day. The sun is shining. It’s 51 degrees in New York and I walked to work without a jacket this morning. That’s some positive shit..even in a negative mindspace.