A part of me - right now.

There’s so many things I’ve been meaning to say, and now, at 11:00 PM when I’ve spent to much time with my eyes glued to the computer (oh, yeah, poor baby) looking at websites of people I am no longer friends with (oh, wait that reminds me), I can’t remember what it is. But then I do.

This is not “hot topic news blog” but it’s what I’ve been thinking about nonetheless. I used to be friends with this guy, and I think we were supposed to actually be more than friends, but I think, at the time, the fact that I weighed 25 lbs. more than I do now was a total turn off to him. I know, I know, it shouldn’t matter, but after struggling with these issues my whole life I know it does. So anyway, I think this boy/man - I’ll call him BM for short, which will remind me of bowel movement, which will in turn remind me of what a shithead he is/was (yes, if he was a man he would have gotten over a lot of shit he never got over so it makes perfect sense) anyway, this BM and I, we had this unexplainable sexual attraction and we spent plenty of time together and nothing ever happened. And by plenty of time I mean every night that we could have.

I wanted to kiss him, so maybe it was my fault for never taking the lead. I wanted to slip my hand down his pants, to feel his cock, to see if I could make him hard, but for some reason I never felt okay with just going ahead and making the move. I sort of thought he was gay, and basically in denial, and I was afraid of rejection. So I made up this story in my head about how he could love me only so much, or only go so far, because he didn’t have the capacity to love another woman when he really was in love with men.

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