This morning I had two extremely vivid dreams. The first took place in a large auditorium where I was taking notes on my computer when out of nowhere I lost control of my laptop and it accidentally flew out of my hands, and then it slammed right into one of those old-fashioned overhead projectors. I ran to pick it up, lost my grip and it flung itself even farther down the steps. When I finally reached the computer I noticed that there was this pale pink, gooey ooze seeping out from beneath the keys. I didn’t know what to do, and nobody else knew how to help me either. I began to think my computer was part machine, part human. Like the Cylons in the new Battlestar Galactica. Cause goo could mean my computer has boogers, or phlegm, or even puss.

Why is puss such a gross word?

Then I woke up. And I had to question the whereabouts of my computer, and honestly I was more than relieved to find that it was safely tucked away in its computer bag. All dry. No goo. Just dirt. Lots of dark dirt on my white macbook. Poivre moi.

The next dream was a vivid masturbation dream. I was lying in bed and I had to get up to go to school but I didn’t want to. My professor, Derek, was going to tell us about our final English project, and I had to get to class by 1:45. But all I wanted to do was masturbate.

I didn’t care about passing this class, or graduating from college, all I cared about was sticking my cunt out the window. Yeah, that’s the kind of mood I was in, not a pussy or vulva mood, but a cunt mood. It was glorious. I lifted my legs up so that I was doing one of those butt exercises you do in gym class, the kind where you move your butt as if you’re humping the air and then your teacher laughs at the ridiculousness of what you’re doing, and can’t believe what you’ll do for a nice ass. In that cunt-tilted-towards-the-sky position I was slapping and grabbing my meat. The neighbors could see, and I wanted them to. Then I started playing with my clit in slow motion. Making circles around it, softly, bringing myself to arousal. I was still doing it with my legs poised in a half bridge pose, only I was taking the time to touch myself tenderly.

In real life the phone rang, and as I was waking up and moving slowly towards it, I realized that I had been dreaming. It was raining outside (still is) and I was relieved to know that Derek was a teacher, but not my English teacher waiting to give me a long, hard assignment. He’s my gym teacher, as in the gym I pay membership to work out at, and I didn’t have to go to class today if I didn’t want to.

And so I crawled back into bed. I thought of masturbating before I rested a little more, but honestly I was so tired from masturbating in my dream that I didn’t think I could bring my hand to reach into the drawer for the vibrator, let alone slowly circle my clit for the ten minutes or so it would take me to get off at that point.

So I went back to bed. No more strange dreams to report. I think I had used up my load for the night.