We’ve been fighting more than we should be. Me and my boyfriend. Not in that on-the-verge-of-breaking-up sort of way, more in that okay-here’s-another-small-insignificant-argument sort of way. Still I’ve spent my fair share of time recently, realizing that one day I could lose him. Not in that I-can’t-find-him-where-did-I-put-him sort of way, but in that goodbye one. Because I know that even though he’s one of the nicest boys on earth, nice guys have their limits too, especially when it comes to being with pickers. Which is what I am… a picker. Whether it be my nose or a fight, I’m good at picking.

We spent the weekend on the North Fork of Long Island, in my parents new luxury condo. The place is amazing, with these spanish-tiled floors and views of the beach. It couldn’t have been more romantic; jacuzzi in our bathroom, nice, big, firm bed, no wifi, no cell service, just me, him and two of my dear friends (they had a separate bedroom).

Still, we only had sex once (my fault because I felt the need to spend time entertaining our guests) and while I was hoping to plan a hot night in the swirling bubbles of our own, private hot tub, my fowl-mouthed competitive nature landed me in more figurative hot water. I guess I didn’t see anything wrong with telling my boyfriend, who was also my card partner in a game of Pitch, to get some balls when placing the game-determining bet, but everybody else who played was horrified.

The game ended, and he was pissed about the ball comment. And he never completely forgave me the next day, even though I said sorry. So that meant no jacuzzi (although I did bathe alone Monday morning after my boyfriend went back to NYC by bus and it was sweet) and no nights of heavy petting in the ridiculously mirrored master bedroom.

I’m trying, really I am, but it’s hard, really hard, to change your ways. I’m only human, and I have conditioning, and not the kind that goes well with shampoo, and in order to get over my issues, I’ve got lots to do to work through them.

Just thought I’d share. I’ve been MIA on this blog for a while, and don’t post the most personal stuff anymore, and just wanted to write. Or more accurately to right a wrong…and figure out how to stop being a picker. Because relationships are already hard work, so why do I keep making it harder?