I still can’t grasp my head around this thing called the neutical. It’s for pet owners who feel guilty about removing their pet’s balls. Basically, when the pet gets neutered, the balls are removed and replaced with neuticals instead. And this feels weird to me. Apparently neuticals were made to feel like the real thing, like real animal balls. It feels strange to think about the creator of neuticals sitting around his house playing with animal balls. There he is, testing the firmness of each different variety of ball. Cats are small, horses..big and dogs, well, dogs are somewhere in the middle. That thought process seems strange to me. And although it’s not considered bestiality, it is weird to hear that a man is touching animal balls so he can create the perfect fake balls for all the pets in the world. Hmm..

I love balls, human ones that is, and I’m sure it would be strange to not feel the slap of HUMAN balls against my body during sex. I’m sure it would be strange not to cup them when I’m going down on a guy. But this is a pet we’re talking about, not a human. And I’m just not into pet sex. Although I do kiss my cat on the lips sometimes (I know it’s gross, but my cat’s like my baby.)

Speaking of thinking of your pets like children, while the solid silicone balls have been approved by the FDA for pets, they are absolutely not approved for humans. Now, if you love your animal enough to want him to feel like he has balls, because “that makes him feel like a man” then don’t you think you should care enough to use something on him that you could use on yourself too? Just a thought. These pet owners are saying their animals are like kids, but I wouldn’t give my kid something I wouldn’t give myself. I’m all for neutering to help control the pet population, but neuticals seem a tad bit out there, even for me. And for all those quotes on the site about making your dog feel like a man, balls don’t make a man…and if they do, there’s not that much substance to the man to begin with. Yes, balls help make a man, but that’s because they produce hormones like testosterone. Neuticals don’t even make testosterone, so they don’t make him any more of a man than not having neuticals.

I think if it’s between not neutering your pet because you don’t want to see him without balls, and using neuticals, then neuticals it is. But if you don’t need to go there. You shouldn’t.

I found some comments from the neuticals website and decided to share my two cents too:

“Baby Snow has all the benefits of being neutered-Neuticles are just a whole lot nicer.”
Yeah but neuticals won’t let Baby Snow, who by the way will only hate you for calling him baby the rest of his life, hump the bejeezus out of anyone or anything. He still can’t perform like he once could, so why the dangling balls? I understand if he were a human, and just needed to feel like he still had his package complete, but he’s a dog. He’ll forget about those balls pretty quickly. Shouldn’t you?

“Neuticles were the absolute least I could do.”
The least you could do was shut up and just neuter your pet. I mean who’s feeling good about the neuticals, you or your pet? Has he told you how much he loves his replacement balls? Or maybe he’s just trying to whack you over the head with them.

“Frodo never knew he lost anything and is just a happier little dog since he’s been neutered with Neuticles.”
What Frodo is looking for is the ring, not his balls. You’re just misunderstanding his actions. See, the ring was actually in his balls, and now, with neuticals, he’s lost it all. He’s only happy because he’s gone crazy. Crazy without the ring in his balls.

Heard enough about neuticals? If you’re looking to read an op-ed about human sexuality, then click on Yvonne Fulbright’s latest here.