In lieu of sex advice Thursday, here’s a host of photos that can provide sex advice, or information. The photos are from Sexy Tales, the erotic and intimate reading and performance series I host every month (last Tuesday every month, Bronson Bar, 8PM). Thanks B.YZ!

Vulva’s come in all sizes and colors. This is Vulveeta. She’s my handy Vulva Puppet and she is here to show you that she isn’t a giant vagina, she’s a giant vulva. You can’t even see Vulveeta’s vagina in this shot. Next time you’re petting the kitty, stray from the vagina for a while and explore the rest of the vulva.

Glitter is sexy. Off, or on the body. My friend Melissa does glitter tattoos at Sexy Tales. Glitter makes everyone feel fun and sexy. Or stupid. Or dirty. Whatever. Glitter makes you feel. Please no raver scabies comments. Thank you.

Sex Nerd Sandra taught us about masturbating with veggies. Zucchini is Sandra’s preference, but she’s also tried carrots and corn (all organic). Make sure to condom your veggies for even safer sex. And nothing goes up the bum without a flared base, think butternut squash. Or better yet, stay away from the veggies when it comes to butt play.

Rena had everyone singing about her 8 mile wide vagina, a place where everybody can come inside! The Kama Sutra says there are three sizes of penis (hare, bull, horse) and three depths of vagina (deer, mare, elephant). Not everyone fits together perfectly, and you either have to work with what you got, or get what works.

The Countess kept her chin up and for five minutes I squealed with delight. I LOVE chin puppets. Especially ones that talk about masturbation.

The most titillating piece of the evening was presented by the always bold and brilliant Kim Airs, who rode up to the bar on her yellow motorcycle covered with paintings of lubes and vibrators. Here’s a glimpse of her masturbation interpretation:

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