March 29, 2005
The Devil Inside
Photo courtesy of Lucence Photographic
Sometimes I still miss Michael Hutchence -he obviously had some "devil's inside." Too bad he couldn't KICK them before he died. (Okay, references will stop for now).
So I've made one major change to the site. I've added a picture of myself to the masthead because I've been told that there needs to be a photo to go along with the ramblings. I know, I know, I post photos of myself all over the damn site, but still, one at the top of the page might not be such a bad idea. Although another friend is pretty adamant that there needs to be more pictures of other hot women on my blog, but I say there are plenty of sites where you can see hot girls giving up more than I do, and you should go there if you want to see more tits and ass. This is my blog dammit. Although the pic I'm posting today is the risque-est one I've posted so far. Should this be the masthead?
Anyway, I have bigger news but I don't know how to share it without sharing too much. I feel like I'm at the doctor, when she asks if you smoke, and you know you smoke pot but don't know if you should say anything. My doctor recently informed me that I shouldn't really say "anything" because insurance companies get nervous when they hear that you might smoke, but here I am about to talk about marijuana. First of all, I think I've said this already but it needs to be said again, the fast really did wonders for how I feel about my life. In a positive way. Although on Sunday afternoon I smoked some "leafy green stuff" and then my whole perspective about life changed. I became paranoid. Unsure of myself and certain relationships. I'm still not back to the way I was B.S. (before Sunday). So now, now I've reached a point that has been a long time coming: I've decided to give up smoking anything -- at least for a long while. It made me really paranoid. About my life. About my lack of knowledge on certain subjects. About the relationship I'm in right now. And I don't like how I feel one bit.
I've been thinking a lot about weed these past few weeks. I do enjoy it, and that's part of the problem. But, most of the successful 30 something people I know have given up the smoke. They say they get paranoid, less productive, depressed, whatever, and that smoking makes them do less and less of anything but eat. I think sometimes I use it as a crutch, as an escape, like Laura Wakefield and her Glass Menagerie, only now it's not working the way it used to. Two days later and I'm still feeling shitty and insecure. It doesn't matter. I stopped giving myself excuses for why I could continue to indulge, and last night I decided to stop- NO MORE, at least not for a long while. I threw out anything I could smoke with.
I have too many other things I need to do. Like videos. Getting back in shape (I haven't done yoga in almost two weeks). Writing. Making love - okay, that last one not really, cause you should know by now that I hate that term, but I needed to throw something in there to see if you were paying attention. I need to clear my head.
This is not going to be easy. I like to smoke bowls with friends. I like the smell and feel of pot. But I need to make some big changes, and after the fast I feel like I can do anything. Like I have the will power I need to do anything I want to do. I haven't felt this way since college, or maybe since I was 24 and I ended my 9 year relationship after years of wanting it to end. It's a really great feeling. I recommend it to everyone.
For those of you who are close to me, you know that this is a big change. For those of you who aren't, I'm not dependent on weed, even if this exchange makes me sound like I am, it's just that I dabble more often than some.
Pot has become my own personal devil, and now, after years of smoking, I'm ready to stand up and fight. I don't like to get too personal about these sorts of things, and I don't know if you'll judge me differently for revealing my weakness, but I wanted to share.
So, what do you think of the picture?
Posted by jamye at March 29, 2005 03:05 PM