Buttman is free.

That might mean nothing to you, or it might sound totally inappropriate, or appropriate, depending on if you’re the tits or ass type. And if knowing that Buttman is free doesn’t exactly change your life, don’t feel bad, it hasn’t changed my life either, but it has got me thinking.

Here’s my disclaimer: I don’t consider what I do to be wrong, and what I do deals with sex and sometimes even porn. And if you think what I do is wrong, that’s your choice. I respect that you don’t have to like my work or me; I respect that all people have choices, and I will never force you to see things my way, or support my causes. But if you’re one of the kinds of people that believe you know what’s best for everyone, then you and I won’t get along at all.

So who is Buttman, besides a guy who really loves ass? John Stagliano is Buttman and he was the one the feds came after. He’s a producer, director, entrepreneur and actor. He owns Evil Angel, a company that makes porn. From regularly eccentric (what’s regular, really?) to especially fetishy, Buttman makes the types of movies that turn a bunch of people on, and off.

Just this month he was on the verge of going to prison for up to 32 years for producing and distributing some of his movies. The feds called them obscene. He went to federal court in DC, in a case called The United States vs. John Stagliano. So what is obscene? By definition it is (since 1973’s Miller v. California) “whether the average person, applying contemporary community standards, would find that work, taken as a whole, appeals to the prurient interest.” Of course questions abound. What community)? Whose standards? What defines prurient interest (since 1984 prurient interest has been defined as a shameful and morbid interest in nudity, sex, or excretion.”)

32 years is a long time to be locked up behind bars for a rather hazy definition. He didn’t kill anyone, rape , beat, stone, bludgeon or commit hate crimes or other heinous acts against mankind. He didn’t cheat or steal, or run over helpless kittens. His alleged crime wasn’t even purely his own, but someone had to pay. And since it was his company, his Evil Angel productions that produced and distributed the very movies that “they” found disgusting, he would be the one to take the rap.

Milk Nympho and Storm Squirters 2: Target Practice. Interested? Some federal agents were.  Back in April of 2008. They ordered them online, from Washington DC. He shipped them from California and then was charged on multiple counts of obscenity.

Stagliano isn’t the first pornographer in recent years to get smacked on the ass by the hands of the law, a.k.a the men and women who think they know what’s right for everyone else, even people they don’t know at all. Whether or not you agree with the content of Max Hardcore, or Lizzy Borden & Rob Black art doesn’t have to be high brow, it doesn’t even have to be good, to be art. I’ve seen toilet paper rolls stapled to walls in famous modern museums being called art, so the definition of art may be just as loose as that of obscene. Regardless of whether or not you regard it as art, it’s out there.

When it comes to our first amendment rights, what bothers me still is that Stagliano didn’t get off because he was found innocent. He got off because the prosecution wasn’t strong, or hard – as the case may be, enough. There’s no new law in place, no precedent set. Instead, this is just another respite, a place where we, those of us who devote our lives to teaching and making the kinds of things that straddle the line of this word “obscene,” can continue to work on what we do. While we all work on changing how we view sex on film.

And it’s not just porn being censored. For a horrific look into the movie ratings industry, please watch the 2006 documentary, This Film is Not Yet Rated. You’ll be shocked at what goes on before your very eyes (get to see it.) Or at least I hope you will.

And thanks to Reason too, for their excellent, in-depth coverage of the Stagliano case.

• The Great Male Survey. 2010 Edition. What dudes think about sex, dating, cheating and facebook. (AskMen)
• Erika Lust. Pornographer. Feminist. Author. Intelligent Conversationalist.  (Alternet)
• “America will always be intrigued with sexy little pieces of jailbait — but, as it turns out, we’re not too comfortable with the notion of them getting off on their own devices.” The Taylor Momsen moment. (Salon)
• 15 ways to tell if you’re getting lucky more, or less, than the rest of us. (DailyBeast)
• Is polygamy harmful to society? A Canadian scholar studies those who marry more than one woman. (VancouverSun)
• Astrology gone wild: What happens when a relationship ends over the time of day you were born. (YourTango)
• Team Edward! Team Jacob! Vampire Sex. Reality vs. Fantasy. My advice and then some. (TheStir)
• When a kitten masturbates, who does God kill? (CarnalNation)
• Men with long ring fingers are more likely to get prostate cancer. (Independent)
• Cytherea. Patience is a squirtue (NSFW). (GramPonante)

The topic? The last hurrah, and I don’t mean this last hurrah. I’m not even sure I mean a last hurrah like the pic below:

Picture via wonderxxx

Here’s the question(s). What do you do if you know that the sex you’re having with someone is about to end but you’ve got one more big “hurrah” planned and you’re going to see them for days in a row? Does it have to be sad? Do you have a threesome? Go to an orgy? Keep it simple and enjoy the intimacy that’s already there?

If it’s not going to get any more emotionally connected (fingers crossed) but you’re still about to connect for a week, how do you go out with a big bang?

Yeah, I’m using “you,” but this time it’s personal.

Listen: New podcast up on itunes.

I decided that doing another podcast would be delightful and good for the old routine, in the same way that sticking to a routine in sex, one where you have it regularly scheduled, keeps you, or you and your lover, interested in having more sex.  It had been too long (two weeks) and this new and noteworthy random nod was the perfect motivation to get me back on track after going off track (NY seems to do that to me) for the past two weeks.

I found fodder for my mouth at carnal nation. Midori had posted on the joy of vanilla sex, celebrating the idea that vanilla sex can be just as exciting as kinky sex, or chocolate sex, or any other type of sex you like.

So in this podcast I sing the praises of loving vanilla sex. After being a chocolate girl my whole life (ice cream that is), I’ve even made the switch there. So piggybacking on Midori, take a listen to why I celebrate vanilla!

Kiss, kiss.

Freddy and Eddy. Happy and Hooping.

Sometimes it’s Tuesday, sometimes it’s Thursday (as I type this I hear an old Jewish grandmother asking do want rye, or pastrami, and I don’t know why), but regardless of when I talk, I’m a talker.

I had to share because I’m really digging this comfortable dialogue with my family and friends, Freddy and Eddy on their behind the white picket fence podcast.  So, check out what i have to say about positions and lovers. Yeah.

Link: http://www.freddyandeddy.com/Podcasts/positionspodcast20.mp3

Plus it makes a nice addition for any collector of spaceship like sex toys. Or any collector of toys that look like candy. Or, maybe not.

Check out more Natural Contours here too!

I’ve been asked to answer the question why sacred sex is important to me, but what I’m thinking is not that sacred sex is important, but that the act of sex as sacred makes the sex you have (whether alone or with another person or group) more intentional, aware and reverential. And that feels a heck of a lot more important than just doing it (although just doing it can be really nice too). That being said, care to join?

Read more for the description and discount code!

Are you an enlightened lover?  Are you empowered to ask for what you want and get what you need in a compassionate and productive way?  Have you wondered if there was a way to incorporate the healing power of sacred sex into your own love life?

Perhaps you are curious to discover how tantra and other ancient techniques for producing sexual ecstasy can be used as tools for enlightenment?  What are the practical steps for making this happen in today’s more urbane world of rapid and turbulent change?

We invite you to join us for a series of phone conversations hosted by Jamye Waxman, M.Ed. who Wired.com dubbed “the nexxxt generation of sex educator. “The Sexual Evolution: Using advanced techniques of ecstasy to reach higher states of health and happiness ” consists of four calls with some of the world’s most cutting edge teachers and guides of sacred sexuality. Candida Royalle, counselor and pioneer in the genre of sex positive adult movies; Rebecca Chalker, a certified counselor and PH.D in sexology and author of “The Clitoral Truth”, which was featured in an episode of Sex and the City; Patricia Taylor, PhD, the world’s leading teacher of Expanded Orgasm; and Barbara Carrellas, whose pioneering Urban Tantra® workshops were named best in New York City by TimeOut/New York magazine.

When you join the series, Jamye will be your guide as you’re taught specific techniques that you can try out with yourself and your lover(s), and made more deeply aware of the powerful connection between sex and spirituality.  You will the chance to ask your questions and share your concerns with our experts in an intimate and in-depth conversation.

It all starts on July 17th. Click here for more information, or go to:  http://www.evolverintensives.com/Evolver5

And BONUS. Here’s a discount code: Just type in the coupon code, ECSTASY and receive 20% off the series.

Next week it’s back to “normal”. Promise.

Phone Sex: Threesome

It’s Thursday, which means TiT (Thursdays I Talk). Podcast number two is up. It’s a primer on phone sex, but really it’s just me and good old Fifi Jingles jabbering on about her phone sex life and my phone sex questions. If you want some quick tips, here are three:

• Be descriptive, as in don’t just say “I like when you use your fingers on me”, say “I like it when you insert your middle finger into my belly button.”
• Listen and react to what you’re partner is saying, not just with short and shallow uh-huh’s (unless you’re in the middle of some really intense solo sex play) but with some, “oh, your middle finger in my belly button feels so tingly and good” too.
• The brain is a seriously powerful sex organ and phone sex helps you think about ways to communicate sexually and adds intimacy. Work your brain out so it keeps working for you. Yeah, that’s inspiration!

More? I wrote  this Phone Sex for Beginners post for YourTango.

Or just listen to Hot Sox Podcast Duh (as in Deux, or two).

Look, I know that we’re not all model perfect. Trust me. I’ve dated a man who told me (on multiple occasions) that I’m not even close to being a model, and that he normally only dated models, but perhaps in that one particular f&%ked up situation my dazzling personality was cause for exception. (Don’t ask why I kept dating him, that’s a whole other blog, and one I’m still trying to figure out sometimes).

I’ve grown up with body image issues, yep, have had them my whole life. My grandparents tried to bribe me to lose weight in fifth grade and my mother had to deal with her own “stuff” when it came to being thin. And thanks to being alive while she dealt with that stuff, her issues inadvertently got pushed on to me. I was chubby as a kid, and still struggle with the ups and downs of being petite without being paper thin. And I’ve talked about my issues with my own breasts, or rather my large areola, and I still deal with looking at my less than model-perky-perfect boobage and telling myself that it’s all okay.

I know you know, but I’ll say it again. I’m not a fan of plastic surgery, even if  lots of young women I’ve met in LA tell me to start botox now, before the wrinkles take over my face. I think that there’s a beauty in being human, that’s the shape and form we’ve been given to work with, and we can work with it. I do. I spin. I hike. I dance. I hoop. I work out. I take care of my body because I want it to look hard and big and strong and sexy. And I can’t say I’d never do anything to myself, I get what happens as we age and I know, firsthand, that growing older is a bitch, especially as a woman. But for now, I’m keeping the skin I’m in and working out hard and learning to love myself more every day.

But you can’t work out your labia. Not really. And so, a woman either has to accept them as they are, or give in to the idea that they’re not good enough and go under the knife. What bugs the sh*% out of me in that horrific link is the idea that larger labia are embarrassing. It just makes me sick. No one says that a man with an extremely low dangling ball sac should shorten his scrotum, or that a man with a small penis should take some skin from his arm and add it to his rod, but yet we continue to discuss the idea that plastic surgery is okay if her inner lips hang lower or flower fuller than her outer ones. Why? WHY? WHY?!

Why is this wrong? Why is this ugly and cause for distress? I don’t get it. Maybe because my labia have never been a cause for concern in my mind, maybe that’s why I can’t understand this. But I can relate it back to my boobs, and still I don’t get it. If someone only loves you for how you look, what good are they? And if you only love yourself for how you look, what’s going on inside?

Maybe I’ve just been questioning a lot for too long, but in the end large lips, small dicks, none of it matters. We all go to the same storybook place in the sky, or somewhere else up above, down below, or anywhere in between, when it’s all said and done. I guess if labia surgery makes you feel like a winner, then I can’t stop you, just like if a boob job makes you feel more confident, sexy and secure, then go ahead and inflate that ego. But if it’s not going to really change how you feel about yourself, only how others perceive you, is it really worth the cutting and pasting and all that jazz?

Me thinks not.

And next time you want to see what a model really looks like, watch this: