Days 9 through 11 have come and gone.

I’m back on track with my jilling off. Back on track in that I haven’t missed a day since I decided I almost missed a day, but now, days after the initial minute and minute (one is a measure of time and one means sooo small) masturbation mishap, I’m feeling good again. However, there are challenges abound as I head into a week of living on couches and guest rooms that don’t belong to me and my man. Yes, I’m in Los Angeles right now, without my handy eroscillator, without my trusty man meat and without the comforts of doing it in my own apartment, on my own bed, my own couch, my own rug.

But unlike having sex with your partner when you’re out of town, the good thing about self-love is that you can do it anywhere. On second thought you can do your partner anywhere to, if you clone a copy of his willy. But that isn’t warm like the real thing.

Anyway, I don’t necessarily need dick to double click my own mouse, but being away from my handy plug-in vibe means that some nights it’ll be back to my good old handy hand. I did bring along the Screaming O’s new Fing-O finger vibrator, which I don’t even think is out yet, but since I’m the lucky recipient of a first edition, I’m going to give myself one manual finger and one vibrating one. I figured it’s small, potentially quiet, and really quite cute, and this way when my hand needs a hand, I can give it a finger.

I’m a bit worried about how I’m going to masturbate tonight though. Day 12 could prove tricky as tonight is definitely a sleep-on-the-couch night, and that means I won’t have much privacy. I’m already exhausted, but I know that a girls got to do what a girls got to do.

And this girl has gots to get off. Because, pardon me for repeating myself, but it’s my homage to masturbation and I will come everyday this month come hell or high water.

I’ll also be directing for Playgirl TV while I’m out here, so that could give me some good fodder for self-stimulation. Really when it comes to my own fantasies I can be quite dull. Actually often times I’m just boring. Bland. Banal. My favorite fantasy involves thinking about getting my pussy licked or having a penis, usually my boyfriend’s, inside of me. No plot. No story. Just action.

This week I’ll get to see lots of penis, but none of them will be my main man’s. And so, as Poison says:

You can look but you can’t touch.

Well, actually that’s what my boyfriend says too. And so that’s what I promise to do this week. Get great sexy footage that makes me want to masturbate even more, and then they’ll be turned into vignettes that help other people get sexy too. Yes, it’s sexy time .Whether you’re alone or together. Or alone and together. Or together yet alone.

I am racked with guilt today. Yes, it’s probably because I’m Jewish. And while this may be giving Jews a bad name, it’s also something I believe is inherently built into my Jew genes. This guilt thing. It may be more accurately a Jewish-Long Island thing, but whatever you call it, I have it, right now.

Why?

I started to go for an orgasm yesterday, but I finished after midnight. J. and I were well on our way to giving me one, but when I looked at the clock it said 11:54PM and I got this bad feeling in my tummy. The kind of feeling that says you’re going to blow this, you’re not going to have an orgasm before the clock strikes 12. I tried hard to make it happen by 11:59, really I did. I even told myself my clock was fast, and I shouldn’t worry (unfortunately I double checked the accuracy of my bedroom clock, verse my kitchen clock and my computer clock, and found although they were all a little different, but my bedroom clock was no more than two minutes fast), but even with telling myself that, I knew that time was too precious to waste.

I wanted him inside of me when I came. I like it that way. Not fully in. Not deep thrusting, not even deep, shallow thrusting, which is sort of an oxymoron like jumbo shrimp. It’s the kind of thrusting where he’s in, but not moving a lot, which also happens to be the best way for him to effectively use a vibrating cock ring like the Screaming O when trying to give me an orgasm (he wasn’t wearing a cock ring last night though). No, last night I just wanted the tip of his head to gently nudge the first bits of my pussy. By the time we found the right position, and by the time I got my vibrator revved up for action (my clit is still recovering from all the fingering it took last weekend), it was 11:59. When you have to have an orgasm in under a minute, it’s a really hard thing to do. Besides, I knew that my thinking about it would make it even more difficult. I tried with all my might to shut my brain off and believe. Believe it would happen when I needed it to. Like right now.

It would happen. It had to. Right?

Of course. I mean all the elements were in place, but unlike that movie The Girl, the Gold Watch and Everything (whatever happened to Pam Dawber?) I couldn’t freeze time. And last night, time wasn’t on my side.

I had my orgasm. It was 12:01. I’d like to say it counts as yesterday, since I didn’t go to sleep before then. But I don’t know. I’m mixed. I had an other orgasm after that, just to make sure I had one that counted for today as well (just in case), but I still feel sad about missing the mark.

The good news is there’s no money riding on my orgasm-a-day and it was still technically before I went to sleep, so it may count. I’m going to keep coming anyway, because I like the idea of celebrating Masturbation May this way. I’m having orgasms every 24 hours or so. I’m getting off. I’m doing it for me. And for Jonny too (sometimes) cause he likes when I come.

But I did miss the mark this time. By one whole minute. Or two if you count the 12:00 minute. But somewhere else, like in California, it was still May 6th. And so by west coast standards (heck, even mountain and central time) I came in time.

Regardless I still feel guilt because I didn’t technically have an orgasm, in my time zone, yesterday. Less guilt than before I started writing this, but guilt nonetheless.

But I take a licking and keep on ticking. And so I carry on…and I will come…again.

Contemplative Pussy.

I have a sentence in this week’s Time Out New York “The Horny Issue.” I’m in the article, How About a Quickie? The TONY staff challenged a bunch of us to come up with some titillating, sexy talk in ten words or less.

I just thought of another hot quickie phrase.

“Fuck me now.”

That’s a good one. Straight to the point. Doesn’t leave you questioning how far you may go with this person. Nope. Not at all. This person wants to get fucked. Fucked now. And right now this person is me. And even though it’s what I want, I’m not going to get it. Cause I have to go.

No masturbation yet today. Me and my man didn’t have sex last night because I came home at 1AM (What can I say I like good times, and when I’m having good times, I hate to leave them). I had so much fun with Lux, Rachel, Twanna and the Man and Wife crew. Good thing I masturbated early yesterday, or the whole masturbation-every-day-for-a-month would be over. Today I’m saving myself for tonight. For the “fuck me now” that will happen after I teach a BJ class, which usually makes me pretty horny. After the class I’m going to come home and give a BJ, which will lead to other things like the “FMN”…and then, then I’ll have my orgasm.

You can read my sentence in TONY, the one that got published, here.

I’m in Florida, Key Largo to be exact, on a top secret mission to keep sex alive in bedrooms across America. Seriously. If I told you more about it then it wouldn’t be top secret, would it? Okay, I can tell you this…

Are you ready?

I now know why the Beach boys sang about this place (Bermuda, Bahamas….baby why don’t we go to the Florida Keys..).Yep that song. That’s what I had to tell you. Riveting stuff isn’t it? I can’t get that song out of my head. No matter how much I talk about sex, I can’t stop singing a cheesy Beach Boys song.

Yes, I’m disgusted with myself. No, not really disgusted, more annoyed actually.

Speaking of beach, today’s Earth Day, no? (and yes, you can file this under better late than never because I know today’s almost over, but like I said I’ve been working on a top secret mission all day and I haven’t had time to remind you). In case you missed earth day, or my blog, you can always celebrate Earth Day tomorrow, and for the rest of your life.

So what can you do to sexify your day after Earth Day?

1. Get the Little Chroma vibe from Jimmy Jane and have it 4eva. (or so they say). See, you can change the motor on this wonderous work of vibrational art, so every time the motor dies, you replace it without having to replace your buzz. And it only takes one AA battery, which makes it much more environmental, and economical, than your average 2 battery toy. Or buy a rechargeable vibrator from Lelo. All the Lelo vibe are gorgeous dahling and no batteries to waste. BONUS: Both of these toys can be kept outside of their boxes, cause they’re just that cool.

2. Shower Power. Live with someone you love? Love someone who sleeps over and showers at your place? Do it in double time by showering together. You’ll not only save water, but you can also give an orgasm (or get one). Sharing is caring. Caring is coming. Or something like that.

3. Good Clean Love. It’s not just a statement, it’s a paraben and pthalate-free lube. So get naked (yes, that’s the actual lube I like in the GCL family) and slip and slide. NOTE: GCL lubes are great for intercourse, but not so great for handjobs. If you’re looking for a good hj lube or even a good massage oil, try the GCL love oils, just remember oil and latex are like oil and water. They don’t mix, and they are the opposite of two great tastes that taste great together. Meaning, don’t use oil-based lubes if you’re planning on using a latex type condom. If that’s the case, see suggestion 2.

4. Read an online erotic magazine. Yeah, I’m a fan of paper, but in order to reduce your waste this Earth Day season - read online. It doesn’t work for me all the time, especially since sometimes it makes me nauseous to be online too long, seriously, does that ever happen to you?, but when I’m looking for an erotic pick me up, I can go to Playgirl online (the entire magazine is available online) and look at hot! studs! naked!

5. Adopt a Clitoris. You should totally donate what you can (time, money, a blog post) to a good cause this Earth Day, so why not donate to the topography of a woman’s body? Help a Burkinabe woman rebuild her clitoris, and you’ll be contributing to a more pleasure-filled world. And pleasure is a positive thing. And positive people can make positive changes. On Earth Day and beyond.

I’m taking the title from my friend Lux over at Boinkology, where she posted a video of herself talking about the exact same thing. It got me thinking a lot. I mean I am a Jew, but do I date other Jews? I dated a Jew for nine years once, yes, in a row, but since then let’s just say my batting average when it comes to dating, or even just sleeping with Jewish men, is almost at zero.

It’s not that I don’t like Jews, I’m not one of the self-hating types, it’s just, well, for starters, I find that Jewish men remind me a lot of the kinds of boys I grew up with (I do come from a part of Long Island that has a large number of Jews) and that doesn’t necessarily remind me of happy times. I think of Jewish men, although not all Jewish men, because men like my friend Harry don’t fall into this category, as mommy’s boys, and honestly I don’t want to have to replace their mommy or feel a sense of competition for their affection.

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What do you do when your kid finds your condom - before you’ve had your morning coffee? You read Rachel Sarah’s article on what to do, that’s what. Oh yeah, and you read my advice on what to do too.

Did you ever find your parents condoms? Sex toys? I remember once, when my friend Sara let’s call her Cara, and I were wee-ones, okay, actually we were teenagers - we found a hard, plastic vibrator in her father’s nightstand while we were snooping around his bedroom one afternoon. It was more uncomfortable for us to think about her dad being sexual than it was to think about what he might have been doing with that vibrator. At the time we just assumed it was his then-girlfriend’s toy, but now I’m not so sure. I mean he did always look like he knew something we didn’t know, and at the time what we didn’t know may have been all about the prostate.

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I found this blog, declaring 2008 the Year of the Pussy. At first I thought she meant cat, but realized she was using my favorite word for cunt, vulva, va-jay-jay (whatever you like to call it). Amy gets really into finding out how your pussy is feeling, as in happy, sad, tired, stiff, achy, horny…and declares that this is the year that all women should learn to own her pussy - yeah that’s right…work it, work it. If you don’t have your own pussy, you can still help learn more about a partner’s pussy. And this got me thinking about some things my pussy might say if she could talk to me right here, right now…

“I coughed up a hairball the other day which means it’s time for a haircut. When are you going to take action around these parts? I mean, you used to get rid of almost all of it, and now, now it’s like overgrowth city.”

“You don’t love me as much as you used to.”

“I like when that worm-like structure comes to visit. He always fills me up and it tickles too!”

In other news:

I’m always amazed at what people have to say about my Personal Touch Video Series. Here’s the latest review of PT 1: Toying with Pleasure.

And, what do dark chocolate, sex and cold meat have in common? Okay, I see the potential of places to go with this one, but according to a recent study reported in the Daily Mail, they all help boost brain power. I could definitely do without cold meat, but otherwise, I’m game for getting smarter. You can read more here.

I still can’t grasp my head around this thing called the neutical. It’s for pet owners who feel guilty about removing their pet’s balls. Basically, when the pet gets neutered, the balls are removed and replaced with neuticals instead. And this feels weird to me. Apparently neuticals were made to feel like the real thing, like real animal balls. It feels strange to think about the creator of neuticals sitting around his house playing with animal balls. There he is, testing the firmness of each different variety of ball. Cats are small, horses..big and dogs, well, dogs are somewhere in the middle. That thought process seems strange to me. And although it’s not considered bestiality, it is weird to hear that a man is touching animal balls so he can create the perfect fake balls for all the pets in the world. Hmm..

I love balls, human ones that is, and I’m sure it would be strange to not feel the slap of HUMAN balls against my body during sex. I’m sure it would be strange not to cup them when I’m going down on a guy. But this is a pet we’re talking about, not a human. And I’m just not into pet sex. Although I do kiss my cat on the lips sometimes (I know it’s gross, but my cat’s like my baby.)

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I’ve never liked turkey, but I may have to make an exception here.

We’ve been in Denver since last Friday. It snowed yesterday and that was nice. Now it’s cold here, and there’s still snow on the ground, and it’s supposed to snow some more, and it’s the first time all fall that I’ve remembered what it feels like to have winter, which while isn’t my favorite feeling per se, isn’t so bad in a state where there’s not as much wind chill. Man, wind chill really is a bitch. Just like humidity. Which is why, if my boyfriend wasn’t originally from Colorado, I’d make him move back here RIGHT NOW, but alas he is, and he won’t and so for now I’m staying put in wind chill laden NYC. Also, big props to Hysteria, the best sex shop in Denver! If you live in town, or pass on by sometimes, stop in and check it out. It’s a husband and wife owned/operated store, and they are good people. Really good people.

Okay. The strangest thing happened to my cell phone yesterday. The weirdest part for me was that I had this dream two nights ago that I needed to get a new cell phone. Yesterday, when I woke up, I couldn’t find my phone anywhere. I called it, and it rang, so that was good enough for me. About ten minutes later Jonny’s sister found it in the garage. When I opened it the screen was cracked and the picture was gone. So now I can’t call anyone whose number I don’t know by heart, and I’ll have to get a new phone. It’s all because George Michael was playing on the stereo, and therefore I got a tad bit too excited (some of his songs are so fun) and I lost my cell phone in all the action (singing and dancing). Still, it’s so strange, because I really did, actually dream that I’d need a new phone that night. How did I know that while I slept my phone was suffering in the garage?

And speaking of suffering, I’m not sure how I feel about Thanksgiving, at least about Thanksgiving as an actual holiday. It’s like here we are, celebrating the fact that we stole things, like land, from the people who were here before us. We didn’t think about sharing, and we obviously didn’t think about caring about our fellow man. So what are we supposed to be thankful for when it comes to the holiday? The cruelty and meanness that man can inflict upon man? Aren’t we continuing with the Thanksgiving tradition by trying to “be the boss” in Iraq? It’s like we’ll never learn.

Alas, bitch, bitch, moan, moan.

I’m done.

I am thankful about things, like living and breathing (which would probably be number one on most people’s lists if they aren’t sad or unhappy or suicidal) and so, on the day to give thanks, I’ve made up my own top ten list that doesn’t include this one thing I’m most thankful for. In fact it’s only about sex.

Sex things I’m thankful for:

1. Lube - whether it be of the self-made kind or the store-bought type.

2. The way he feels when he first enters me.

3. The Eroscillator. One big, ugly vibe that delivers beautiful orgasms.

4. The orgasm face. Especially his orgasm face.

5. Orgasms.

6. My discount at Babeland

7. My book and videos which are all about lots of different types of sex - or maybe I should be thankful for constant self-promotion. Hey, if you can’t promote yourself, how can you promote anybody else?

8. My mostly fabulous review in the December/January issue of Bust!

9. Warm penis. Especially warm penis that I love.

10. Tongue.

Happy day off to most of you in America!

Things I know about my (sex) life:

1. Vibration can always get me off in under five minutes and that’s okay with my partner.
2. He means it when he talks dirty to me.
3. My friends think I’m sexy and want to get in my pants.
4. It only gets better!
5. I will continue to evolve sexually.
6. It’s okay not to always want to do it.
7. It’s even more okay to use lube (silicone’s my favorite).
8. My cat knows when it’s not okay to disturb us.
9. Cuddling is important, sometimes more important to him than to me, but that’s okay too.
10. Doggie style can sometimes feel too deep.
11. Mornings are my favorite time to have him inside of me.
12. He loves to make me come.
13. I love to come. But sometimes I don’t care if I do.
14. I love to make me come too.

On another note, the book party rocked! Thanks to all of you who showed up. That night has made my day over and over again. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to feel so supported, and to get to speak to a full house about masturbation. And on top of that, we sold every single (of my) book in the store!!! And I got to show my behind the scenes of the first Personal Touch movie I made, and that means I showed porn in a bookstore! How cool is that?

As cool as it gets, I suppose. At least for right now.